Part 26: Episode XXVI: It’s Five O’ Clock Somewhere

Episode XXVI: It’s Five O’ Clock Somewhere



Welcome to the fourth and final disc of Koudelka! Our new objective is mixing up some chemicals to blow up this gate because obviously there is absolutely no other way. There’s never been a single alternate path or hidden passage even once in Nemeton Monastery. We’re just going to have to blow this sucker to bits.





Which means we need to do some backtracking. James said he could probably mix-up some chemicals back in Patrick’s lab to make some nitroglycerine. Well, we’re in Patty’s lab and nothing doing, O’Flaherty. What’s the deal? Oh what’s that? You forgot to mention a step in the cultivation of your explosives and we’re missing a vital component to the process?



So remember how we found that empty flask that was capable of holding any liquid up to and including acid? Weeeeeeeeeell...





We need to backtrack ALL the way back through Patrick’s renovated church annex mansion, back through Charlotte’s room and the underground dungeons all the way back to that Mortal Kombat Acid Pit stage.



If you’ll recall to way back during Disc 2, there was a convenient acid dispensing device adjacent to the murder victim body melting pits. Back then we lacked the means of taking acid with us. But technology has since advanced and so...



Good thing this bottle came pre-labeled with “SULPHURIC ACID” or we could easy mix it up with the 87 bottles of assorted whiskeys, scotches and wines to... disastrous effects. Probably involving Edward.



Now that we’ve gotten a jar of acid, the gang needs to run ALL the way back to Patrick’s laboratory to progress. That said, I’m placing emphasis on the length of backtracking solely because it’s the only other time we’ve had to do any of significance beyond that trek back to the dolls’ cell. It’s only like a ten minute journey both ways (like four minutes if random battles didn’t exist.) Which in the grand scheme of survival horror inspired games ain’t shit. Which I appreciate, frankly.



Koudelka was released a few months after Resident Evil CODE: Veronica on the Dreamcast (about a month and a half before if we’re talking Japanese releases) and BOY, if you wanna talk some egregious backtracking in a video game, look no further...

Anyway, now that we’re back in the lab we immediately receive a prompt implying James is going to take a while to remember his chemistry lessons from two decades ago.


VIDEO: Click to watch remaining update content. (You should probably just watch this.)



I'm going to begin my work. Could you two wait for me here?

So we’ve got some time to kill. What are James and Koudelka going to do to keep themselves occupied for a few hours? Go grind fighting monsters? Explore the mansion looking for another way to the western building? Maybe get some sleep?



Naw, son. It’s time to get WASTED! We’re not carrying 56 bottles of whiskey and 23 bottles of wine for nothing. Both Edward and Koudelka sound like they’ve been going at it hard. Koudelka far more so... Or she’s the type to get hammered off a couple cans of Miller Lite. She does weigh less than a hundred pounds wet...



And then...? Hehaha hah! What happened to the girl, Melanie? Hehe.
She was gone the next morning. She left with practically everything in the room!
She even took the toothbrush! Ugh. Don’t even wanna think how my breath smelled after that night...
<laughs> You don’t have much luck with women, do you? Heh haha!
You know what they say... The cleanest break up is when a woman runs out on you. Hahaha.
<laugh talks> What... is this... statement?
<laughs and takes another swig>



Ahhh... But you're lucky, I mean to have so many people to kid around with. But me, I'm all alone. I been all alone all my life.
But what about your childhood?
Tch. Yes, I did have a childhood. I was born in a small town in Wales right off the banks of the Taliesin River.
Wait you’re Welsh...? Heh. You sure don’t sound it.
<hic> Like you’re one to talk... You’re like the most American sounding London Eastender I’ve ever heard...
Yeah... Err... I just traveled a lot, is all... Lost my accent...
Uh-huh. Well yeah... I’m from Wales. Was born in Abergynolwyn. You try saying THAT three times fast... Haha!
That was a small gypsy town.
Gypsy?
That's right... Gypsy. Mean we didn't call ourselves gypsy... We called ourselves “Rom” hehe. <leans back and gets comfortable>



See, a TRUE gypsy is born under the blue sky. And is destined to die under the same blue sky. It's gypsy law! <takes another swig>
So then I guess... you plan on dying underneath the blue skies?
That’s gonna be real hard to do in Wales.
Hah... Gotta be worried the like one day a year it’s not cloudy...
Hmm... Every gypsy is given a name at birth.
What a STRANGE custom... Who does that?
Tch. Shut up!
My given name was “Zlato”.
Zlato...?
Mhm.
It's got a strange resonance to that name. What does it mean?
Heh... I can't tell you! Haha!
That too must be part of the law? <chuckles>
<laughs> The law it is. Hehe.
”Edward” means “rich guard”.
Oh yeah...? That why you’re dressed like a bum and getting punched by every monster we come across?
Hey! Vests are in style right now! <hic>
You know ever since I met you... Enigmatic mysterious glint in your eyes...
<sits up, groans and waves a dismissal>
It must be the gypsy in you. <sits up>



“A glance from thy soul-searching eye; Can raise with hope, depress with fear.”
<leans in> Byron again? Heh.
Yeah...
You must really like him, don't you? <takes a swig from bottle>
Or that’s the only poem guy you’ve read and you just like trying to sound smart...
“Poem guy?”
Poe... poetryer? I dunno... I don’t care!
It’s “poet” and...
Yes. Somehow I feel as though we're birds of a feather.
Then he must be self-obsessed as well. <laughs>
Heh... I'd rather be classified as a romantic...
Uh-huh! <makes jerking off motion>



<sighs> My father was a strict man who couldn't forgive his son for failing academically. He blamed my failure on the time I wasted inventing adventures, dreaming of an utopian landscape... I was brought up to believe that dreams, the power of the imagination, as well as all the things I loved as a child, were useless... A complete waste of time... It was as if he was telling me I was useless.
......
Then again... Maybe just that...
......
(This is really hurting my buzz.)
Ya know, I think I probably was born too late. By the time I was fifteen, everything there was to be done had already BEEN done. The western territories were colonized. The jungles had been explored. There was no wilderness for me to wander in to. No jungles for me to cut my way through.
No deep forests for me to blaze a trail through. Ya think I could punch out a bear...?
Dunno...
*I* bet I could punch out a bear. <takes a swig>
I guess that's how I ended up roaming the country. Oh granted... Tch... I picked a few fights along the way. Played with fire... Gambled on my life a few times.
Can never go back to Lisbon... Not after... the horse incident...
Wha...?
But none of that comes close to the truth I'm searching for...


Music: Dead



I yearn for something far greater... I can't quite explain myself. But it’s as though I am on a quest for... some... intangible treasure of sorts.
......
Koudelka, I envy you. You’ve psychic powers that few are blessed with.
You can summon ghosts and stuff... That’d be a heck of a trick at parties. They’d call you the ghost whisperer or something.
And being born a gypsy, you can choose to live how you wish. Heh. <takes a wine swig>
...... <leans in seemingly pissed>



And who gave you the right to act as if you figured me out...? Do you have any idea how I was raised? <waves him off>
<shrugs, leans back and resumes drinking>
Hehe... Ha! You make me laugh. “Adventures.” Heh, please... You haven't the slightest clue. Do you have any idea how much pain my psychic powers have brought me?
What like headaches or...?
My father died when I was only a child. I predicted the exact time... place... and ending of my father's life. Imagine that! Predicting your own father's death. Hmm...
Oh you wanna know details?
N-no...
A Tuesday afternoon, at his friend Josef’s place, choked to death on a sausage that went down wrong...
......
No, I was cursed as a child. Being given powers not meant for a child. And my mother? Oh... She-she was so frightened and FULL of hatred for me... she tried to kill me with her very hands...
(Well this is taking a dark turn...)
The gypsy elders got together and decided to excommunicate me. _{I was only nine then...}
......
Do you have any idea how a nine year old child SURVIVES, without the help of a living soul? Treasures!? You must be joking! Have you ever cried and begged for your next meal!? Did you ever sell your body seeking shelter from the frigid night air!?
(I’m really glad I didn’t mention my dick of a father was extremely wealthy. Dodged a bullet there.)
Humph... I used to be just like Charlotte. When she cried and said, “No one has ever loved me.” Argh! Those words cut straight through me! It was ME she was talking about! Just like her, I wished that everybody would DIE and harbored a hatred for all mankind!



But you see, Charlotte has made her peace. And flit-flit-flute... Gone to heaven. Heh.
Is that what we did...? I thought her ghost just got busted or something.
What? No! She found her mother loved her and went to heaven. Heh...
...But she was screaming and exploded. <takes a drink>
Yeah... Well... Lookie here she’s not stuck here anymore.
I was worried she was going to become a giant monster we’d have to fight when she started hollering.
W-Why would that possibly happen!?
<shrug> Have you seen this place? It’s not that unreasonable.
Well knock it off. She went to heaven and that’s the end of it. But me...
Me? I'm still alive... and still... all... alone...

Koudelka stands up and starts stumbling around while ranting.



No one ever lends a helping hand! No one!
Koudelka, you?
I... am not as free as you make me out to be.



I am a poor... dirty... ignorant woman who THREW her gypsy PRIDE to the DOGS, in order to live! But you see... even someone like me can do good... Cuz with my powers... I can ease the pain of others... That's when I feel good about living. Hmm... I don't need to be loved. I just... want my life to have some meaning... And just... want someone... to tell me they need me...

Koudelka slumps to her knees.



<sniffling back tears> And you... Hmph... No way... could you... ever... understand...
<weeps and passes out>



......
...Buzz kill.



<opens door> It’s done... It’s completed!
Shuttafuck up geezer! Tryinta sleep!
Ergh... Are... are you... drunk...?
<hic> Yousa takin’ yer sweet time...
I was gone for FIFTEEN minutes! How is it you both are intoxicated!?
SHUDDUP! <wings a bottle at James’s head>
......



In any case, the gang has now acquired both a nasty hangover and a bottle of highly explosive liquid. Tune in next time as they definitely don’t immediate get blown to bits along with a decent chunk of Nemeton Monastery as Koudelka continues!






Video: Episode 26 Highlight Reel (You should really watch this!)





Drunk Koudelka Illustration – The hazard of making all your restorative items into various types of alcohol.